I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
