I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
