Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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