So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
