and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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