fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
