he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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