Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
