Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
