yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
