My nipple is on Facebook.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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