five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
