I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
