you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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