i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
