He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
