The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
