I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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