smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
