Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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