I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
