I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
