I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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