once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
