I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
