I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
