i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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