I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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