this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
