I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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