today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
