How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
