then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
