Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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