and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
