Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
