haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
