I'm gonna have a badass scar
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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