I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
