My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
