I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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