You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
