Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have aggressive nipples.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
