I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
