piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
