Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
