just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
