i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
