Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
