R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
