fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
